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Where did the Love go? - 11/17/2008 2:37:04 PM
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st8ofconfusion
Posts: 9
Joined: 11/17/2008
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Hi, I'm new so not quite sure how this works. I guess I could start from the beginning. I am 26 years old and my husband is 31. We have been together for 15 years now and married for 9 of those years. In early August he preceeded to tell me he wasn't happy and our lives have been in a whirlwind ever since. We have a beautiful 5 year old daughter and I am worried about how this is effecting her. He moved out of the house Oct. 19 and it has been really hard on us. My daughter cries herself to sleep everynight and we are both so confused and to what just happened. Me and my husband both are Christians but I know he has distanced hisself from the Lord. I believe yesterday is the first time he has been to church in a while. He went with his mother to the church where we were married, but not our new family church. His explanation to that was because he felt people were looking down on him at our church and he didn't want to answer any questions. I have been strong through this ordeal with the power of God and I am grateful to have God in my life. We started talking to our pastor in Aug. when I knew there was a problem with our marriage, but he didn't think it helped so everytime I would make a new appointment, something always came up. I try to talk to him but I feel I am pushing him away the more I talk. I decided to give my marriage to God last month, and just pray that he would do his will in our lives. Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier as time goes by but it really hasn't. He talks to our daughter everyday and I have to see the hurt in her eyes when she begs him to come home nightly and he tells her no. I am not really sure what happened in our marriage other than a lot of neglect on both of our ends. We have been going to school and keeping ourselves busy outside of one another and that has really hurt us both. I believe God can rebuild this marriage, but I am meeting no willingness from him to even work on it together. He continues to think that it is better for him to be away from us and work throught the battles in his head. I pray everyday that God will ease the troubles of his hear and mind and allow the love to return to his heart for me and our family. I ask for him to be taken care of and that God will wrap us in his love and draw us closer him so we may see one another through his eyes and grow into the Godly marriage he intended for us. I'm lost and trying to do all I can to survive with my daughter and be a good mommy to her. I just don't understand Where did the love go?
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RE: Where did the Love go? - 11/17/2008 5:16:43 PM
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deedeeowens
Posts: 89
Joined: 6/10/2008
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You obviously have plenty of love for the Lord and for your husband. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. A few years ago I separated from my husband and I too stopped going to our family church because of the unwelcome questions and confrontations from the church leaders. I think the fact that he went to any church on Sunday is a good sign. Be encouraged by that. It means he is seeking. Keep praying and God will reach him. I know it is hard because you'd like for him to do what is right immediately, and get the help that you want him to have. Keep in mind that God's timing is perfect and He will work on his heart, but at the same time will not force a change against your husbands will. God has agents for Christ all over the world and he will use the appropriate vessel to reach your husband when his heart is open. Keep the faith and know that God is with you no matter what.
Dee Dee
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RE: Where did the Love go? - 11/20/2008 8:05:18 AM
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crankius
Posts: 4481
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: st8ofconfusion
My daughter cries herself to sleep everynight and we are both so confused and to what just happened.
He talks to our daughter everyday and I have to see the hurt in her eyes when she begs him to come home nightly and he tells her no.
The two of you need to find a way to protect your daughter as much as possible throughout this. I suggest you see a Christian counselor and discuss how you and your husband, as the grown-ups, can handle this separation in a way that causes the least harm to your little girl.
Having a separation/divorce is very hard on a child. This problem is between the two of you, not with her.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
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RE: Where did the Love go? - 11/24/2008 2:35:50 PM
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st8ofconfusion
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I am trying to do all I can to protect our daughter. Trust me, she is very smart for her age and already see's what satan is doing in our lives. She walks through the house stomping the ground and when I ask her what she is doing, she says "stomping the devil out of our house!" He won't hardly talk to her when she wants to talk, because he changes the subject. She will talk to me, but says she is scared to talk to him because of fear he won't come home. How do I deal with that??? I tell her everyday how much I love her and so does her daddy, and give her that extra affection and attention so she will feel secure in me. I think she is having a hard time with that from him, because she doesn't get that from him. I still pray everyday for reconciliation and peace for All of us. Our problems are us, but she is still feeling in the middle. I believe I need to have her talk to someone. What do you think?
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Not sure-What now??? - 11/26/2008 4:48:59 PM
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st8ofconfusion
Posts: 9
Joined: 11/17/2008
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Sorry about that 2nd thread thing! Not got this figured out yet.
He just called and explained he didn't call me because he was hurting so bad and didn't want to worry me! Don't know if I believe that or not, but b/c I was still worried no matter what. He is at his mothers and she is taking care of him for a couple of days. I am praying for him and hope he isn't in too much pain from the kidney stone. I guess I am jealous b/c I feel he should be at home being taken care of by his wife. Gotta get a grip on myself but not sure what to do now? Tomorrow is our anniversary -- 9 years, he hasn't even made an acknowledgment of it. Does that too mean he doesn't care?
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RE: Not sure-What now??? - 11/28/2008 7:01:18 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2062
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: st8ofconfusion
Sorry about that 2nd thread thing! Not got this figured out yet.
Don't worry about that. We made the connection.
quote:
ORIGINAL: st8ofconfusion
Tomorrow is our anniversary -- 9 years, he hasn't even made an acknowledgment of it. Does that too mean he doesn't care?
It really might just mean he's on a lot of pain meds. Try not to read anything into it. Even if we're just giving him an excuse assuming it's because he's had a rough couple of days, it's doing yourself a favor to assume the best and not dwell on it.
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RE: Where did the Love go? - 11/29/2008 1:34:14 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 765
Joined: 11/28/2005
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It sounds like your husband is really having a
hard time of things - the last thing he needs is
more pressure... sorry to say that... but I'm kinda
like that too ... if I have problems I don't want my spouse
bothering me - I have to have space and time to get
myself together and work things out to where it makes
sense for me. Don't take it personal.
The other thing is - you and your child/children should
be in counseling. You guys sound like you need
someone to talk with and learn how to deal with
difficult situations.
*I understand you are bothered by him being at
his mom's and she's taking care of him.
However the situation between you and him hasn't
been resolved and you really don't want him in your
home when he's not ready to be there.
Your situation is very difficult and I encourage
you to ask your Christian family, kinfolks and friends
for help - spiritual support and friendship/visitations and babysitting etc...
set aside a certain amount of time for YOU - a little pampering perhaps{get your nails done or buy yourself a trinket etc...
so you don't get too overwhelmed by "problems".
Get alone with God and pour out your heart to him.
Then start singing songs of Praise and
thanksgiving to Him... learn to pray his Word over your situation/problems.
God is the faithful One - always remember that!
He is the Lover of your soul!
Your First Love should be Christ - get your priorities straight.
So many people set their happiness on what their spouse can
do for them - but what happens when their spouse can't or isn't able
to meet their need?
Their world crumbles.
Our foundation should be built upon Christ.
Having a spouse is nice but don't let that person
become the center of your world.
*Your anniversary - congratulations on that ...
question for you... what is the anniversary date when
you came to know Christ as Savior?
Do you celebrate that special date also?
{think about it - which anniversary matters most?}
*I learned all these things years ago when my first husband
left me for someone else - whom he later married.
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RE: Where did the Love go? - 12/1/2008 2:42:13 PM
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st8ofconfusion
Posts: 9
Joined: 11/17/2008
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Thanks for the reply. I have just recently realized exactly how much emphasis I put on my husband being my rock, instead of God. Since he has been gone, both me and my daughter rely more on what God has for us and I truly believe that is why I have come so far. I don't get a lot of time by myself because my daughter has a hard time letting me out of her sight, but when I can I steal away a few minutes to breath and read my books. That is usually after she goes to sleep and I get my time alone w/ God and do pour out my heart. He knows my needs and I believe he will continue to provide everything I need.
Last week our pastor told us we needed to see a marriage counselor b/c he wanted us to make sure we did everything we could so there would be no regrets. When he came over Sat. he did ask if I had called the counselor yet and I told him no. I took that as my que to call this week and see if I could get us an appointment. He is still staying at his mom's b/c of his kidney stone and it will be several more weeks before a doctor can help him. I don't know if this is God's work on him but somehow I do believe it is. He just says it's hereditary which I think is just a big joke. I love him very much and I want him to come home, but I want him there b/c he wants to be and is willing to do whatever it takes to bring God glory in our marriage. In the mean time I am here still waiting and will remain faithful to my love to God and him. I know he deserves that!!!
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What now??????? - 12/8/2008 1:36:51 PM
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st8ofconfusion
Posts: 9
Joined: 11/17/2008
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Ok, new dilema. We had an argument Saturday b/c he went out with a bunch of his co-workers to watch a football game and when I called he wouldn't tell me what he was doing b/c he didn't want to make me mad. When he finally did tell me where he was I did get upset b/c it is at a friend of mines house that is in the middle of leaving her husband I and got really upset. He keeps telling me he has nothing to do, but he does. He has a family and can't be with us. What do I do??? I sent him a list of times a counselor I found can meet with us and I got a message back that he didn't feel that there was any use now b/c of the events of Saturday. He explained that it the same of stuff with me always. I know I have been negative in the past about a lot of things, but he just doesn't understand why this upsets me so. #1 it's b/c he isn't with us, #2 b/c he is involved with something that he hasn't ever had an interest in before now and #3 he showed up 2 hours late to pick up his daughter that he hasn't spent any time with. I love him very much and he can't see if from my side b/c he seems to be so blinded. We are suppose to meet at 3:00 today and talk, how do I deal with this??? I have no words to speak.
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RE: What now??????? - 12/8/2008 8:18:05 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2062
Joined: 3/24/2008
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It sounds like he feels very pressured, like jamesstarcross said above. I'm not saying you're wrong in what you feel but maybe the way you're approaching him is what's keeping him away. Was it really necessary to make an issue of him getting together with some people to watch a football game? Do you want him to be with you because he wants to or because you nag him into it? Try making him want to.
When dh and I were dating he was in a fraternity! I was out of college and working - NOT my idea of fun. Sometimes I couldn't understand why he'd want to waste time with those guy and not just marry me and get a life....but I realize that was something he needed. Even now, after being married 12+ years, he doesn't always do what I think we should be doing or what I want to do. But he's got to have a little breathing room and when he's with us he's all ours and wants to be with us - which is the vast majority of the time because we're a fun family to be part of. 
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RE: What now??????? - 12/10/2008 9:50:10 AM
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st8ofconfusion
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I do want him to be with us and his family. I don't know why I got so upset-he keeps telling me "that is the point of seperation!" That is probably the biggest issue I have with it, b/c I never wanted to be seperated in the 1st place. He has done that to us and our family. I pray everynight that God will continue to speak to his heart and hel him work through this problem and draw us closer together. I want that so much b/c I cherish my marriage and our family. The fact is we both did wrong in not putting God first and even now he refuses to see that is what we need in order to move forward to a better marriage together. He keeps telling me he's done! I don't know what else to do. I don't want to give up the way he has, I wish he could just see what he is doing to us, our family and hisself. I am trying to look into the future and see the things he will be missing and wonder if he really cares. He seems to be so selfish and that may sound mean but from his reactions he isn't thinking about anyone but himself. He said something about divorce the other day and I was floored. I never expected this and asked that he not give up on us and what God can do for us, but I feel he has. I know we can't do this without God and I pray his miracle in our relationship, I pray he will hold on so tight to us and draw us nearer to him so we can see. I pray he does such a work in us that we shine for others to see that if they can do it we can too. I have even recently caught myself praying for something to happen in him that would wake him up to reality. I even prayed that he would lose his job so he would lose his finances to be able to make it on his own. Is that wrong? I just want God to close--no slam those doors that the devil has so conveniently opened to him in order for him to leave his family. He said he felt like he was a dishonorable husband b/c he can't do what he needs to keep his family together. I told him I understood b/c I felt that way about being the wife. I have to keep the faith that God will have his way in the marriage and move my husband and us closer together under him and his glory.
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Anxious - 12/17/2008 4:11:18 PM
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st8ofconfusion
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Feeling a little anxious today. I feel the devil is really getting at me today and I can't stand it. I need to get up and start stomping around and maybe he will leave me alone. Been a restless few days and I am feeling more and more lonely with Christmas coming up. If it weren't for my daughter I would boycott this whole holiday. But I am celebrating the reason for the season only. I just can't get into it this year and I am really sad about that b/c I love Christmas. It's going on 2 months since my husband moved out and I see no reconciling happening. I try to talk but he would just rather ignore "us" and talk to our daughter. She is getting to the point now she doesn't even want to answer the phone when he calls b/c he won't let her talk about anything and changes the subject when she starts asking him to come home. I let her talk to him Friday and she poured out her heart. He thinks I am telling her what to say, but to be honest I try not to talk about him w/ her b/c she gets so upset when we do. He doesn't give her credit for being as smart as she is. When she came to me last week and asked me to talk to someone (a counselor) I thought I would die. She is so innocent and doesn't deserve this. I am going to try and find someone for us after the 1st of the year. Our church pastor isn't liscensed for such, but he is still very supportive. I tried again to get my husband to see a counselor for us but he refuses. What do I do??? I continue to pray everyday that something drastic will happen for us but I know God is working in us regardless. Please continue to pray for us and my daughter, this week has been rough on us and I know it's got to get better.
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RE: Anxious - 12/18/2008 3:57:37 PM
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shantae.cook
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Hello! I'm new here. I hope it's okay for me to comment on your messages. I know and understand exactly what you're going through. I am a 27 year old christian, wife, mother of 4 and a student. I've been with my husband for 10 years. We dated 3 years, married 7 years and out of the 7 years of marriage we've been separated for 2 years. We are still married but separated. We joined our church and got married in 2001. I was an at-home mom while he went to work. He had license and a car. I had neither. I didn't have any money in the bank. November of 2006 my husband left me 2b with another woman. I felt like my world had just ended. He said he wanted a divorce. I couldn't understand for the life of me what had happened to cause us to get to this point. I thought we were going to be together forever. It was so hard trying to come to grips with the reality that my marriage was about 2b over. I felt like after all the things I had invested in this relationship and all the sacrifices I had made, this is what I get in the end? I was sad, depressed, stressed, confused, angry, bitter, jealous, etc.. I wanted him to hurt just like I was hurting. I hoped that he would lose his job so that he wouldn't be able to get anymore money. I hoped somebody would steal his car so that he couldn't go anywhere. I even hoped that he would get into a car accident and get hurt just enough to have to stay in the hospital. I didn't want him to die. I wanted something to happen to her also so that they couldn't be together. I wanted revenge. My flesh wanted the vengeful things to happen. My heart just cried, "Lord bring him home," "Give me my husband back." That's all I truly wanted. Even in the midst of all of my mixed emotions, I just wanted him to come home, to be with his family, to love me, and to work through whatever problems we had. I wanted to go to counseling. I was willing and ready to do whatever it took to restore my marriage. Any attempts that I made to do that, his replies were always, "I can't do it, I don't see it happening, I'm divorcing you." It felt like my heart just kept shattering over and over. I didn't know what to do! I thought I was going to lose my mind! He rarely spent time with his kids. They really don't understand why daddy doesn't want to be with us. My children and I are all seeing a therapist for this as well as other unresolved issues we may have, on a weekly basis. Haven't seen any results yet because it's only been 2 weeks. My point in saying all of this is that I completely understand what you're going through. There's a lot of in-between stuff but I'll expound on all of that if you ask questions. I don't mind sharing my story if it's for the benefit of another person. So feel free to ask any questions or make any comments.
The up-side to my story is that GOD was there all the time working things out according to HIS WILL. NOT MINE. Also somewhere along the road in my marriage, GOD became second place, third place, fourth place and so forth. It got so bad that I put GOD where I could fit him in. I had to see if I had time in my day for GOD. I made sure that my husband was happy, the house was cleaned, food was made, children were taken care of, appointments and errands were taken care of too. By the time the end of my day had come, I was so tired and worn out that I didn't even have the energy to read my bible. I would throw a real quick simple prayer just to be able to say, "I prayed." I mean I prayed, fasted, read my bible and attended church service regularly but GOD still was not first in my life. MY HUSBAND WAS. I have learned so many lessons on this journey to wherever GOD is taking me. So many scriptures have come to life in my life during this very trying time. I have a class I have to go to at 4:30-6:30. I will continue to tell you about some of the things that GOD has done in the midst of all of this after class if you don't mind. Always Encouraging You, Shantae.
_____________________________
And we know that ALL things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to HIS purpose. Rom 8:28
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RE: Anxious - 12/19/2008 11:43:16 AM
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st8ofconfusion
Posts: 9
Joined: 11/17/2008
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Thanks for the reply. I am sorry you are going through this too. It stinks. I praise you for doing this with 4 kids. You definitely have God on your side also. Praise God-He is always there!!! Right now I am trying to take it one day at a time, but this Christmas is really beginning to get to be. I just wish it was over already. We watched the Grinch last night and my daughter said something to me and it brought me to tears. I'm sure you have seen it b/c you have kids but when the father whoo said Christmas is about all the presents, she looked up to me with such a serious look on her face and said, "Mommy, their wrong-Christmas is about baby Jesus birthday not presents-he is our present" I just hugged her and said a thank you to God for bringing her to me. I just have to get a grip. Yesterday, I went outside to crank the car and cried out to God that I thought I was losing it. Right then my feet and legs felt so heavy and I felt a relief come over me. I took that as God saying "You are grounded in me and standing-it's ok!" I will be ok and I keep telling myself that. Let me know how the family counseling thing goes. I have to do something before both me and my daughter drive ourselfs crazy. He informed me last night that he would like to be called Christmas morning to come watch her open presents from Santa. I wish he would just wake up and I am still praying for God's miracle in our lives. I know that without a doubt God has to be first in our marriage, but right now I am the only one willing to put him there. Until he is ready for that I just pray God will continue to convict his heart and open up his eyes to what he is missing. I pray you and your family will have a good Christmas and I will be thinking of you all. Thank you for responding and if you ever need to talk contact me.
Love in Christ,
Tiff
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RE: Anxious - 12/19/2008 3:03:13 PM
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shantae.cook
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Thanks for your empathy. I also wanted to say that everything that you're going through, God has a purpose for it. Every feeling, every tear, all the hurt, pain and confusion that you feel/experience, always remember GOD is molding you into what he wants you to be. Maybe he's been calling you but you couldn't hear him because your focus was on your husband and other things instead of GOD. All the while GOD is looking for YOU, your looking for your husband. When my husband left me, I found myself praying, fasting and reading my bible more. Especially praying. It's amazing how much GOD loves us. He allowed all these things to happen to me just to get my attention because he had something greater for me to do than to sit at home and be a mom and wife. That's not all GOD sees when he looks at me. God is a jealous GOD and he will have no-one or no-thing take his place as #1 in my life or yours. I believe that GOD is taking you on a journey just as he did myself and he's going to show you who you really are and who he really is to you beyond what you already know. I'm not claiming to know your exact situation, I'm just sharing about mine. I'm 2 years into this test-trial-journey-process or whatever you want to call it and GOD has been doing wonders in my life. I may not like the way that things went down but I'm glad that they did go the way that they did because GOD has shown me things about myself that I never realized or just didn't want to see or believe. He's still working on me. Rest assured that just as he's working on me, he's also working on my husband. Things may not be the way that I want them to be presently but at GOD's appointed time things will be just as GOD divinely planned. Job said, "All the days of my appointed time will i wait till my change come." We've got to wait on GOD. There's nothing that we can say or do to change a person's mind. ONLY GOD can do that. I may not see what I want to see right now, but by faith I speak those things which be not as though they were. Don't ever lose hope. Is there anything too hard for GOD? Don't put your confidence in your husband or yourself but in GOD ONLY. Zechariah 4:6 says, not by your, might or your power, but by GOD's spirit. It is he and he only who can turn this thing around. I sure that a lot of what I'm saying you already know, but I just want to encourage you. I just want you to know that as long as you got Jesus, you don't need nobody else. That;s a lesson I learned along the way. Now I'm at the point where I no longer NEED my husband, but I WANT him. I found out that I can live without him and anybody else on this earth but JESUS is all to me. GOD has awesomely shown himself to me in so many ways. Going through what I went through, I am now stronger in the LORD. I trust him and I depend on him. He supplies all of my needs. I am wiser. I don't and will not make the same mistakes that I did the first time around in my marriage or in my life. I feel like GOD is giving us another chance to do things right the next time. My husband used to treat me so mean and he threw the divorce word around like like it was his favorite word. Now he doesn't even mention divorce and he helps me and the kids often. We're still separated. He still lives with his mistress. GOD told me to stand still and see the salvation of the LORD. So after 2 years I've finally, "Let go and let GOD." I let go before but I took it back. I kept trying to figure out ways to fix it. Nothing ever worked. Now I have re-shifted my focus. I'm totally focused on GOD first, me and my kids. While I'm focusing on these things, GOD is behind the scenes working it all out for my good, because I love him. I don't cry no more. I'm not sad, depressed, stressed or any of that anymore. I'm happy, waiting and watching. GOD is going to show up and show out just as he always does. GOD has it all in control and whatever way he sees fit for things to turn out is alright with me. GOD has my best interest at heart. Keep in mind just like you said, "One day at a time." Don't try to make things happen, just watch GOD do what GOD does best. Your situation may not last as long as mine. Also it took me a long time to get to where I am today. It took a lot to get me here. It was a long and hard process. I made it even worse because I wouldn't get out of GOD's way and let him work. God did not-nor does he need me to talk to my husband about how we're going to restore our marriage. GOD just wants-needs me to pray. Trust and believe that he's able to do exceeding and abundantly above all that we ask or think. You just hold on to GOD's unchanging hand. Lean on the everlasting arms. You and your daughter are going to make it. You'll be alright in due time. Don't listen to what everybody else says you should do, you will become even more confused. The scripture says, my sheep know my voice and a stranger they will not follow. listen to JESUS only. GOD understands everything you are feeling right now so don't be ashamed. For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched by the feelings of our infirmities. I'm here if you ever need to talk or just to vent. God loves you and your daughter. I sincerely just want to know and make sure that you and yours are alright.
Always Encouraging You,
Shantae
_____________________________
And we know that ALL things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to HIS purpose. Rom 8:28
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