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Why should I have to choose - 11/30/2008 10:43:01 PM
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iams8ved
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/8/2008
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I am confused – and not sure what to do. I have written here earlier this month (and thanks all for your comments and prayers). After 20 years of marriage and walking in faith my wife has turned her back on God (about a year ago). There have been recent developments in our marriage and my life that I could use advice.
First: today I was getting ready for church and she asked me to stay home because she wanted me to be with her. I missed the previous two Sunday’s because I sensed that she needed me around. However today I went to church and we had a big fight when I got home. She was angry because by going to church it showed her that I did not want to be with her. I cannot choose her or anyone/thing over God and I will not. I am confused because she is my wife and I also have a ministry to her BUT I cannot turn my back on God. How should I handle this?
My other issue impacting our marriage is the health of my mother. My father, brother, and sisters have all died leaving only me to take care of her. She lives an hour away and has recently been diagnosed with stage 4-pancreatic cancer. The doctors cannot say for sure how much time she has. It could be 3-6 months, or longer.
I am having $ problems and I asked my mom to sell my fathers car (which he left to me but I never took possession of – but that is another story for another time). The car meant so much to my father that she would not give it to me to sell. At that point my wife pretty much felt that my mother is on her own and that I should not assist her or help her navigate any of her financial, health, or personal issues. At the same time, I should not ‘run down to see her’ for any reason. Before she was in the hospital I was visiting every 6-8 weeks. Since she has been in the nursing home I try and get down once a week as I am paying her bills for her. There is much more history here than I have the time or space to provide but I have given you all the gist of it. So, my question is: do I stay home from visiting to keep the peace in my marriage? Do I stay home from church when she needs me or go anyway?
No wait…one more thing I have been pondering: how would you feel if your spouse told you that they wanted your soul?
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RE: Why should I have to choose - 11/30/2008 11:09:39 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2062
Joined: 3/24/2008
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"wanted your soul"? OK, scarey. To be honest, and I may have told you this before, I went through something about a year ago where I questioned God, I was angry at God and frankly just wanted to be done. It wreaked havoc on me and on my marriage - I opened a door and dragged my dh through it...through the damage I saw unleashed on my dh, and his grace and faith handling it, I guess God got a hold of me - none of the nonsense in my head or coming out of my mouth was real - it was FEAR! So, to an extent, I see where your wife is - and it's a dark, ugly place. Continue to pray for her. But that "wanting your soul" scares me. Has she opened any doors to occultic or demonic influence? She maybe was just being dramatic but that would get my attention.
She may be on a path to destruction. Pray for her diligently but I think you need to be careful - protect your soul from whatever she's let latch onto her. You're fighting a spiritual battle here, you're not fighting her.
But, practically speaking, your mother is not doing well. Pancreatic cancer is ugly. I'm so sorry. You've got to be there for her for as long as she's got. Thankfully, you've got her in a place where she's being taken care of and it's not all falling to you in the day to day. In her condition, it sounds like she just can't let go of the car because of what it meant to your dad. Can you hold out a while longer on selling it?
You're right, you can't skip church and you simply cannot abandon your mother right now. Any rational person would not ask that. Your wife may (probably will) get ugly when you take the stand you have to take on those two fronts. Brace yourself...be as gracious as you can on other things. But keep in mind it's a spiritual battle. I pray with you that He moves in her heart, calms the turmoil, and restores her to Himself and then restores what the enemy is trying to destroy in your marriage.
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RE: Why should I have to choose - 11/30/2008 11:40:45 PM
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hnt
Posts: 541
Joined: 4/11/2005
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quote:
First: today I was getting ready for church and she asked me to stay home because she wanted me to be with her. I missed the previous two Sunday’s because I sensed that she needed me around. However today I went to church and we had a big fight when I got home. She was angry because by going to church it showed her that I did not want to be with her. I cannot choose her or anyone/thing over God and I will not. I am confused because she is my wife and I also have a ministry to her BUT I cannot turn my back on God. How should I handle this?
All I can really suggest is that you make special time for her, but make sure it is clear once Sunday comes this is really something you need to do for yourself. You wish to make sure she knows that you care for her, and why you are going out of your way to make this special time together. I'm not sure what else you can do. Personally, stating you going to church showed her that you do not want to be with her is manipulation pure and simple. It also sounds like insecurity. Is she dealing with alot as well? Did this type of thing just start, or has it been going on for some time? I realize in life at times things trigger this behavior, but if you have given of yourself...and truly feel you need church it really isn't that much to ask of someone.
quote:
I am having $ problems and I asked my mom to sell my fathers car (which he left to me but I never took possession of – but that is another story for another time). The car meant so much to my father that she would not give it to me to sell. At that point my wife pretty much felt that my mother is on her own and that I should not assist her or help her navigate any of her financial, health, or personal issues. At the same time, I should not ‘run down to see her’ for any reason. Before she was in the hospital I was visiting every 6-8 weeks. Since she has been in the nursing home I try and get down once a week as I am paying her bills for her. There is much more history here than I have the time or space to provide but I have given you all the gist of it. So, my question is: do I stay home from visiting to keep the peace in my marriage?
I have to ask - if she isn't coming out of the nursing home again at this point ...will she know if you sell the car? We had to do this with my grandparents, and we just didn't tell them. They were at the point they really didn't ask about things after a while. If you seriously need the money to make sure she is cared for you may consider that. I realize it would be hard for the both of you, but at times when you are sick you just don't look at the reality of things well. You are consumed with your own issues - for good reason of course!
I don't think the car issue is good enough to abandon mom. YOu need to do what you need to do. Its selfish of your wife to place these extra burdens on you in your time of need. You really could use her support! I don't know much of your dynamics, so I dont' know if there is something there that could be making her feel she should act this way. WHen it comes to the end people do need to place those things aside, and think of the dying person. You also need to think of how this would effect you once she is gone, and you were asked to not partcipate as you needed to. This truly could start growing some resentment on your part, and it doesn't sound like you need anything else added.
I don't know if it is selfishness or insecurity that is driving your wife. She sounds like she needs some support, and that should at this point maybe come from someone else besides you! I'm not saying NO support for her, but at times we need others to come along side of us to remind us of things. Be there when they feel insecure etc. Can you encourage more contact with her friends at this point? It may ease the burden of your already full plate at this point.
Have either of you considered counseling?
I'm so sorry about your mother, and I hurt for what you are dealing with in regards to your wife. I don't know your whole story of course, but I do know the agony of dealing with this pretty much by yourself as you spouse sits on the sidelines making things worse. Its not a good place to be! 
I will be praying for all of you!
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Why should I have to choose - 11/30/2008 11:48:18 PM
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narnia
Posts: 562
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Do not, I repeat, do not stop visiting your mother.
My mom died of cancer too so I know what that is like. The other thing to consider is that your mother may not have 3 months. The doctors can only guess at how much time is left. We were given the 3-6 month frame also, and she did not make it that far.
I do not want you to feel guilty that you could have spent more time with her and didn't once she is gone. That is a horrible thing to have to feel on top of all the other grief.
Got to church, but try not to stay too long after service for your wife's sake. I know that will be hard on you, but it might help your wife knowing you will get back to her quickly.
_____________________________
Domestic Diva, according to our Forums Mother!
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RE: Why should I have to choose - 12/1/2008 5:55:06 AM
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iams8ved
Posts: 4
Joined: 11/8/2008
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Thanks everyone. csl7037 - you are absolutely right that this is a spiritual battle. I continue to pray for her and realize that it is up to God to 'fix' alll this because it is way deeper than anything I could do. It seems no matter what I do to make her feel loved, it is never enough. Yes, she is very insecure and dealing with her own emotional issues which she is receiving counseling. but frankly, I do not see a change. She is not involved in any occult activity - this I am sure of. She wants me and does not want anyone else to have me. She is even jealous when I spend time with my teen son - because she sees what a good time we have together - and of course it is time spent away from her.
Narnia: that is exactly what I did when I went to church yesterday - I left asap. But that did not matter or was not even recognized. But I will continue to do it anyway.
These issues are not all new but intensified 10 fold when her mom passed earlier this year. Thanks everyone
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RE: Why should I have to choose - 12/1/2008 6:54:45 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 2062
Joined: 3/24/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: iams8ved
Thanks everyone. csl7037 - you are absolutely right that this is a spiritual battle. I continue to pray for her and realize that it is up to God to 'fix' alll this because it is way deeper than anything I could do.
Just because it's a spiritual battle doesn't mean there's nothing you can do or that it's God's job to "fix" it...Ephesians doesn't say God wrestles with priciplalities and powers...it says we do. Pick up Neil Anderson's "Victory over the Darkness". To be perfectly honest, I think the "deliverance movement" goes a little too far and sometimes seems to be "looking for trouble" but I think this book is a well grounded, basic intro to spiritual warfare. And you're not out looking for trouble, I think it's already found you.
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RE: Why should I have to choose - 12/1/2008 7:26:25 AM
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gcsmithjr
Posts: 111
Joined: 11/23/2008
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I think you've gotten some great input already, but here's my two cents:
quote:
Do I stay home from visiting to keep the peace in my marriage?
No. It sounds like your mom won't be around for too long and you still have an opportunity to "honor" her. It's surprising that your wife lost her mother earlier this year but is trying to deny you the opportunity to spend more time with your mother during this illness - it just doesn't sound like your wife is thinking clearly. Keep seeing your mother as much as is reasonable.
quote:
Do I stay home from church when she needs me or go anyway?
I would echo the comments about continuing to go to church. First of all, it sounds like you need the support and encouragement now more than ever. Second, if she's "turned her back on God" she may be (intentionally or unintentionally) trying to isolate you from church so that she doesn't have to deal with feelings of guilt or conviction about that decision. Either way, it's important that you lovingly but firmly take a stand on the issue.
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RE: Why should I have to choose - 12/1/2008 3:31:46 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1103
Joined: 4/29/2005
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OK, so, from her eyes you have 2 or 3 unnecessary "hobbies" that take away from time you could be enjoying together. The, "But I really do have to do it." argument is just going to drive home over and over that there are more important things in your life than your marriage. Instead, perhaps there is a way to be more accommodating.
Add up in your mind the number of waking hours that you have available to spend with your wife, if you had no "hobbies". Divide that up and take note of time that you spend mostly alone (like prep time in the mornings, in another room or focused on an individual task) and time that you spend near to each other but distracted (like TV watching, reading, driving). When you come down to how many weekly hours are actually available to her, you might see something like there are 45 of them, and some of those she's not going to be available to you. When you want to take 3 hours for Church and 6 for a weekly visit to your mom... that's maybe a fifth or a quarter of "her time"... which is significant and will impact your relationship.
You might be able to find a way to spend more time with her, such as lunch dates, staying up later, getting up earlier... or maybe you could encourage her to be involved with something that might occur at the same time as maybe an evening Church service or a quick trip out of town. (When does she have her counseling appointments?) Perhaps if these things happened in the margins of week days they wouldn't feel like such significant chunks out of weekend life. Perhaps if you chose Church one weekend and a visit the following, or perhaps you can visit your mom and go to Church with her?
You also might be able to increase her perception of the attention that you are paying her, such as writing her letters, phone calls from work, verbal affirmations, physical affirmation, more face-time rather than just being near each other etc. At very least be sure that she knows that you hear her difficulties and sympathize. Tell her that you wish things were different too. (That will go a long ways)
Also, she does have the right to be angry if she is living on less resources (money) because you insist of sending your resources out of your immediate family. Your mother does not have the right to stand in the way of you executing your father's will, and if your family is suffering due to your choice not to rock your mother's boat, then perhaps you should re-think what order your priorities are going in.
The fact is, she is correct. There are a lot of things in your life that you consider to be simply more valuable to you than your relationship with her is. As long as that's true, no amount of counseling is going to make her believe that it is false. That's why emotional security is unavailable to her... her view of marriage is somewhat distorted, but there is no way that your schedule represents that she is anywhere near the top of your "what I want, what I need" list.
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RE: Why should I have to choose - 12/1/2008 4:41:00 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16428
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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Moderator's Note:
This situation is already being discussed in another thread. Since only one thread per particular situation is allowed, I am closing this thread and linking it to the original. Please follow the link below to continue with this discussion, or to post any updates. Thanks!
Marriage Problems-need advice
Please do not reply to this message within the Community, or PM me regarding this message.
Please email Community@salemwebnetwork.com with questions, comments, or concerns.
Sincerely,
Karlie
Forums Moderator
_____________________________
You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf~
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