|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
dating teens - 12/1/2008 10:28:17 PM
|
|
|
29redballoons
Posts: 665
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Georgia
Status: offline
|
Our daughter is not allowed to traditional date. She must be with us or a chaperone of our choosing.
That being said...no one around us shares our beliefs (which are not up for debate here) Soooo, we are having a terrible time making our daughter understand our reasoning and our beliefs. She has known her boundaries
since she was old enough to understand boy/girl attractions...
Have any of you been where we are? Do you have any suggestions? Do you want to share your thoughts?
Do you ever feel like an alien in your group of friends? Are we the weird ones?
Can you just pray for us? We have never had her question our rules before, we are in unfamiliar territory.
She is 17 and basically a dream child. She is not breaking our rules...just loudly disagreeing.
Thanks for your time.
_____________________________
Red
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/2/2008 8:09:59 AM
|
|
|
journeyman7
Posts: 65
Joined: 11/11/2007
Status: offline
|
This is a very critical time in the life of teenager, especially nearing the age of 18. I applaud you for you strong convictions and it is essential that you stick to your guns. It becomes a delicate balance letting you children make decisions with the reality that you have to guide your children and set boundaries. I will face this issue before I know it, but my daughter is currently three, but I feel your concerns. I am 30 and it was not to longer ago that I was of that age.
I would say the best way to allow your daughter to have certain freedoms without compromising your ideals would be to seek alternatives. Maybe chaperoned dating (I am being to idealistic here?) or such.
I really feel this society has declined when it comes to many aspects of the family especially when it comes to teenager freedoms. I would rather be the weirdest bird in the flock than to face myself in the mirror (or my reflection in bird feeder, bad joke, sorry) knowing that I did not do everything in my power to raise my children to my standard, not society's.
It is my firm belief that teenagers crave discipline and boundaries, although on the surface level they may protest of such. Keep the communication lines flowing and engaged and I am sure this will pass.
I wish you the best and great job in staying firm, if more parents were like you the world would be a tremendously better place.
God Bless,
_____________________________
Mt 16:24 -
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/2/2008 12:59:22 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 6175
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
29redballoons
Could I just ask you what will happen when she is 18? Will she continue to only be allowed to see a boy if she is chaperoned?
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/2/2008 2:29:19 PM
|
|
|
stellaluna
Posts: 4409
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
|
I have the same question. When she turns 18 will she automatically get more freedom? I'd rather see a building up to independence than none one day and much the next.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/2/2008 5:13:17 PM
|
|
|
Penpen
Posts: 66
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: New Jersey
Status: offline
|
I have 2 boys, 14 and 17. My 17 DS has a girlfriend (who is also 17), they will both be 18 in March. When they spend time together, it mostly consists of hanging out either over our house or her house. Her parents and us are on the "same page" and do not allow them together in house if no one else is home. They do occasionally go on "dates", like to the mall or out to dinner or movies. DS drives and has his own car. We get a phone call when he is at his destination and when he leaves. We have discussions on our expectations for him, and he has the same for himself. They have gained our trust, and his g/f's parents trust. I don't see our rules changing as they turn 18.
_____________________________
<----------Hubby and son's during our vacation in San Francisco.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/2/2008 11:19:06 PM
|
|
|
stellaluna
Posts: 4409
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
|
Oh, I guess this is a courtship thing. But it doesn't sound like your daughter is on board with it. If she moves out... <shrug>
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/2/2008 11:25:02 PM
|
|
|
29redballoons
Posts: 665
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Georgia
Status: offline
|
If she moves out...I will cry, I will miss her, I will love her, and I will have still done all that I can do. I know, it sounds crazy...I am used to that.
Not many people believe in our methods nor our convictions with parenting, but we are the ones that must answer to the Lord for our obedience to
our convictions.
Again, have any of you been in similar situations?
Do you have any suggestions?
Penpen, how long have your son and his girlfriend been dating?
Has he ever questioned you about what if? and why not?
How did you respond?
Thank you all for your input.
_____________________________
Red
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/3/2008 3:18:16 AM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 6175
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Penpen
They do occasionally go on "dates", like to the mall or out to dinner or movies.
Could I just ask if this is on their own or if they have a chaperone?
quote:
DS drives and has his own car.
Similarly here. Does he call to collect her in his car, and if so, do they have a chaperone in the car?
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/3/2008 8:28:58 AM
|
|
|
buckifn
Posts: 1866
Joined: 5/23/2006
Status: offline
|
When a young person enters the teen years they begin making their own decisions of what is right and wrong whether we as parent's like it or not. The best we can do is continue to model for them what Godly behavior is and teach them why we believe the way we do. At the age of 17 and 18 we cannot force anyone to accept our teachings...we can only pray and guide them as much as they will allow us to.
If she/he accepts the boundaries and values which have been in place for the past 16 years it is reasonable to think they would continue to do so in the future.....but if they have been forced unwillingly and are only conforming on the outside with rage, bitterness, anger, etc on the inside then of course when they have an opportunity to do otherwise they are going to jump in head first regardless of the consequences.
My suggestion is when she loudly disagrees accept it as normal, do not take it personal...pray for her and trust that what you have taught her the past 16 years will stay with her. Continue to affirm what you believe is proper boundaries and choices and love her regardless.
Engaging in a battle of wills will accomplish nothing but hurt feelings and distance.
What role does her father play in her decision making?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/3/2008 8:50:50 AM
|
|
|
Ellie-Mae
Posts: 3582
Joined: 4/9/2005
From: The EMPIRE state!
Status: offline
|
Red, The rules seem quite reasonable. What exactly does she want to do that she can't do now? I am not sure what she is "fighting" for.
_____________________________
Please do not PM me about this message, discuss it at the water cooler, or include it in your church bulletins. If you have questions, please keep them to yourself. ~Kerrlaw
W2D1
292 more miles t
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/3/2008 8:59:55 AM
|
|
|
iluvatar
Posts: 2029
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: online
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: 29redballoons
As long as she lives with us and is supported by us, her rules will not change. Until they are married, why should she need alone time with a man? What could they do in private that they cannot do in the presence of others when they are not married?
Because someone's behavior when alone can vary greatly from their behavior when others are around.
-Dan.
_____________________________
Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/3/2008 9:27:29 AM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 6175
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: iluvatar
quote:
ORIGINAL: 29redballoons
As long as she lives with us and is supported by us, her rules will not change. Until they are married, why should she need alone time with a man? What could they do in private that they cannot do in the presence of others when they are not married?
Because someone's behavior when alone can vary greatly from their behavior when others are around.
-Dan.
Dan's observation is astute and wise.
I would not want my son or daughter marrying someone whom they had only ever been with when someone else was around, otherwise they could end up with someone who was an expert at behaving well when being watched, but not so when they weren't.
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/3/2008 9:34:50 AM
|
|
|
stellaluna
Posts: 4409
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
|
I concur.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/3/2008 12:15:45 PM
|
|
|
coolfamily6
Posts: 340
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
|
29, I am posting blind. My niece is 20, she was not allowed to single date until she was 18. Even then she was given VERY tight restrictions as far as time alone etc. For a while she rebelled and refused to date at all. This did not really hurt anyone but herself.  Anyway, at 18 she started dating a guy and my sister allowed her too much alone one night with this guy and he took advantage of her just shy of raping her.
My neice refused to be alone for more than dinner with other guys after that. She said that you can learn a lot about a guy in group settings as well as over dinner. There is never a necessity to spend large chunks of time alone with a guy in a car, theatre, house etc. It just opens the door for hormones to go awry.
She is now engaged to a nice guy, they are getting married next December. They are both virgins and happy that their parents put a lot of restrictions on them. It did take finding the right one to feel this way.
quote:
I would not want my son or daughter marrying someone whom they had only ever been with when someone else was around, otherwise they could end up with someone who was an expert at behaving well when being watched, but not so when they weren't.
I agree and disagree with this. Yes, people can act well infront of a chaperone but if your child learns discernment he/she will know to look at how the person acts with groups of friends as well. How do they treat the waitress, the person selling them a ticket? How do they act when they think no one else is looking? What do other peers say about this persons characters? Being alone is not the only way to learn a persons character.
_____________________________
If your bible is a mess; your life won't be.
~Encouragement a mom gave to our children at our First Grader's Bible Ceremony!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/3/2008 1:03:03 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 6175
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: coolfamily6
Yes, people can act well infront of a chaperone but if your child learns discernment he/she will know to look at how the person acts with groups of friends as well. How do they treat the waitress, the person selling them a ticket? How do they act when they think no one else is looking? What do other peers say about this persons characters? Being alone is not the only way to learn a persons character.
I understand what you are saying, but the OP was speaking about a chaperone *always* being present - ie even presumably if they were with a group of friends, out at a restaurant or movies.
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/3/2008 4:16:10 PM
|
|
|
Penpen
Posts: 66
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: New Jersey
Status: offline
|
29 - DS and his g/f have been dating around 8 months. They have been actually been going out on dates for about 4-5 months. At first his g/f's parents weren't too keen on him driving her, but after her mom and I discussed it, we allowed it. At first, DS questioned about why we wouldn't allow him and g/f in the house alone and asked if I trusted him. I told him that I didn't want him dealing with that type of temptation and our beliefs in purity. He understood, and never questioned it again.
Manda - When DS and g/f go our their dates to the mall or movies or whatever, there is no chaperone. DS calls me and g/f calls her parents when they arrive and before they leave. So far, things have worked out very well. They actually enjoy just going over each others houses and watching a movie. DS picks his g/f up at her house and drops her off.
29 - I would just continue to have the rules you feel convicted of and explain to your daughter why you feel that way. I wouldn't worry about what others think, I would stick with with your convictions are. We have/had a rule that DS wasn't allowed to drive with a teenage driver. There were a lot of young kids in accidents around our area and we weren't comfortable about allowing him to drive with kids that just got their license. He had older friends and we never budged on that. Some of his friends thought we were weird, but I didn't care. He understood, not that he liked it, but he understood why we had that rule.
_____________________________
<----------Hubby and son's during our vacation in San Francisco.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/3/2008 6:14:12 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 6175
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Penpen
Manda - When DS and g/f go our their dates to the mall or movies or whatever, there is no chaperone. DS calls me and g/f calls her parents when they arrive and before they leave. So far, things have worked out very well. They actually enjoy just going over each others houses and watching a movie. DS picks his g/f up at her house and drops her off.
Now that to me sounds reasonable. They have some privacy, some alone time, they're not under observation all the time. Kind of like a flexible framework, boundaries within reason.
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/3/2008 9:08:19 PM
|
|
|
zoebob
Posts: 8870
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: land of limbo
Status: online
|
Even the OP said they allowed their dating teens some semi-privacy. They could be in a room by themselves as long as it was open and not a bedroom (I'm assuming on the BR part) so they aren't always under a close watchful eye.
_____________________________
L-R: DD1, Ellies DS2, DD2, Ellies DS1
L-R: Ellies DD1, Ellies DD2, DS, Ellies DS3
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/5/2008 6:24:13 PM
|
|
|
29redballoons
Posts: 665
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Georgia
Status: offline
|
Thank you all for your input. Yes, they are allowed in other rooms just not in our home alone...and no closed doors. I even let them put together the tree in her bedroom...gasp  We do not sit between them while they talk. And...for the record, other that putting up the Christmas tree in her room...zoebob, you are assuming correctly on the bedroom part.
Yes, when she has been seeing him for a while...a long while, and he has gained our trust, we will allow them more freedom, but never as much as some assume.
She does have other Christian friends that we allow them to ride to church with and out to eat afterwards.
Again, I really appreciate your input and I appreciate the support. Penpen, I am encouraged by your experiences. Thank you.
Chelsea, I hope I am still around when yours are older...I will be here for ya!
quote:
What role does her father play in her decision making?
A huge part. We are very involved in all aspects of her life and we always have been.
He is very family oriented and very much the spiritual leader of our home.
journeyman7, thanks for the support. I think I answered all questions.
Thanks again to all who have responded.
_____________________________
Red
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/5/2008 7:08:19 PM
|
|
|
Ellie-Mae
Posts: 3582
Joined: 4/9/2005
From: The EMPIRE state!
Status: offline
|
What more does she want exactly?
_____________________________
Please do not PM me about this message, discuss it at the water cooler, or include it in your church bulletins. If you have questions, please keep them to yourself. ~Kerrlaw
W2D1
292 more miles t
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/6/2008 12:47:42 AM
|
|
|
29redballoons
Posts: 665
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Georgia
Status: offline
|
Well, she thinks she is in love...it is kinda a long story, but we are not sure we trust this guy as of yet. She wants to be able to go and hang out at his house. We do not know his parents well, and at this time, we are not comfortable with that situation. Sooooo, she cannot go....we told her we would be glad to talk with his folks and explain...she does not want that, so instead she keeps letting us know she was invited and don't we want to change our minds?...you know, typical teen in love/fatuation stuff. I know she is just testing boundaries, but she has never done this with us, and I was really frustrated the night that I first posted.
I am really not at liberty to discuss all of the details with this fella, but trust me, you would agree with our reasoning. We aren't ogres, but we have very high expections for her and of her...we will not settle willingly for less. I really think if you set your expectations lower, you set your children up for failure. We expect her to do well, and thus far, we have not been disappointed. That is not to say, for anyone who is wondering, that I would love her any less if she failed at any or everything. We just do not expect her to fail. We do not accept rebellion as a "normal" teenage behavior. Remember, I did say we were weird parents.
_____________________________
Red
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/6/2008 7:41:52 AM
|
|
|
smithjdjc
Posts: 3
Joined: 12/6/2008
Status: offline
|
I totally agree with your rules and values. Although, I do have one concern. Is she going to college when she is 18? How do I say this politely? You don't want her going from the security of mom and home to the bright big world of college without having some experience of how to handle life and situations on her own.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: dating teens - 12/6/2008 8:24:51 AM
|
|
|
Ellie-Mae
Posts: 3582
Joined: 4/9/2005
From: The EMPIRE state!
Status: offline
|
Red, I am with you on the teen dating and the rebellion thing and such so I understand even though my eldest is only 13. Fortunately, at this point, she is not being rebellious. She doesn't even want to be rebellious. She seems to want something that she doesn't have the power to choose... She doesn't just want to just go to this guy's house; she wants to go this guy's home WITH your consent and maybe even blessing. That is not in her power to do without you which is why there is so much complaining.
Have you tried to go ahead and just invited them to your home? With the Christmas season here, it would be a natural time to do that. I wonder if they were to invite your daughter to go with them to a public place such as a restaurant or something if that would be acceptable. Do they go to church? Perhaps she can join them for a church function.
_____________________________
Please do not PM me about this message, discuss it at the water cooler, or include it in your church bulletins. If you have questions, please keep them to yourself. ~Kerrlaw
W2D1
292 more miles t
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
**25****30****35****40