RE: Pregnant and scared of how my father(& mother) will be
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RE: Pregnant and scared of how my father(& mother) will be - 3/12/2010 6:39:27 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 2320
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: online
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quote:
What I am worried about is seeing my father, where he will be overemotional, wanting to touch my belly all the time... But for some reason, I feel guilty for the fact that I want to push my father's hand away from my stomach or move if he tries to give me a smothering bear hug. I feel guilty, uncomfortable, and anxious. Sometimes I have sayings and plans prepared just in case they say or do something that's not welcomed.
So, here's a diplomatic boundary plan. Phone ahead and say, among other things, "Hey, dad, you know, being pregnant these days, I'm not so comfortable. My skin is really sensitive, and my back hurts. I know you have been feeling mushy these days, but I don't like it. You need to give me gentle hugs, and I don't want you to touch my belly any more."
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maybe he'll say something that's out of line. Out of line in the sense that he'll say something super mushy and awkward.... He'll probably get teary eyed, choked-up, and say things like..."I love you so much (with his voice cracking)" and the continued, "I'm so happy, bare with my sappiness". I don't want to bare with his sappiness!
Your best first response would be something that fits normally into a conversation, that he can hear, but that is not a show-stopper. Like, "Oh, get a grip Dad. Sappy-ness makes me uncomfortable."
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I guess I need to hear that it's okay to push my father's hand away from my pregnant belly.
It's okay to push your father's hand away from your pregnant belly!!!!!!!!!! !!!
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He'll become angry and won't understand why he can't put his hand on my stomach. He'll be the grandfather, he has a right.
All the more reason to give you both the opportunity to be reasonable over the phone, and to provide a bit of true-but-phony reasoning that he is likely to respect. If he becomes angry you need to say, "Dad, that's out of line. You can feel how you want to about it, but you can't touch me if I don't like it, and I don't have to stay on the phone if you are going to yell at me."
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If I try to implement boundaries though, they'll say I'm the crazy one and that I'm a cold-hearted person. They'll never understand how they hurt me in the past and even recently. I wish it were easy to just be strong and stand-up for myself. I don't want them to have a hold over me.
Friend, beloved sister, fellow mother. You will find that choosing to be a good mother has many 'costs'. Enduring the first few syllables of insults from your parents seems like it is going to be one of the things you will be 'paying' for the sake of your child. Try to feel noble about that.
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I will try to be as straight forward as possible when I see them next month. So as soon as my father says something that's uncomfortable or mushy, I'll say, "I feel stressed when you can't control your emotions". Right? And I'll say this as soon as he does or says something? No waiting?
It would be better to say something a little more diplomatic, and less of a direct insult (not being able to control his emotions). The first time you might do something socially appropriate like roll your eyes and say, "Enough, Dad!" If he keeps at it say, "Dad, I'm uncomfortable when you talk that way. I would be happier if you stopped." A third time might be, "Dad, I said it and I meant it. Enough. Or I'm going home."
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
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RE: Pregnant and scared of how my father(& mother) will be - 3/12/2010 7:11:46 PM
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manda59
Posts: 7381
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bella05
But for some reason, I feel guilty for the fact that I want to push my father's hand away from my stomach or move if he tries to give me a smothering bear hug. I feel guilty, uncomfortable, and anxious.
This is because you are feeling false guilt and believing a lie. The lie you are believing is that your father has a right to touch your body. He does not. He does not have a right to touch you, and he does not have a right to touch/have access to your child. No-one has the right to do anything to do that you're not comfortable with. No-one.
I understand that your painful feelings are real, but you need to learn to take those thoughts captive and apply the truth to them. Your father is not entitled to touch your body or get involved in your life unless you give him permission.
You do not exist to meet your father's or your mother's needs. And your baby doesn't either.
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I guess I need to hear that it's okay to push my father's hand away from my pregnant belly.
Physical boundaries with other people are a MUST. And if they really care about you, they will respect your boundaries and not demand so-called "rights".
If he goes to touch your belly, you can gently remove his hand and simply say "Dad, please don't do that, I don't like it".
And if he protests, reply "Dad, I'm not going to allow you to make me feel bad over this. I don't like it, and that's just how it is - and I'd like you to respect that please". If he says anything else, say "I don't want to be having this conversation" and walk away.
_____________________________
"What Manda said; well-stated and wise." deermousie, September 2010
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RE: Pregnant and scared of how my father(& mother) will be - 3/12/2010 8:05:19 PM
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GodsPrincess7
Posts: 86
Joined: 5/1/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
Tell hospital security who your parents are and insist they not be let in. When you leave the hospital, it's going to be your husband's job to protect his weakened wife and newborn from the crazies. If they come on your property, ask them to leave. If they refuse or get belligerent, call the cops and press trespassing charges. Yes, really; someone has to protect you. If you don't do this, they could camp on your doorstep and stress you out for days/weeks/months/years. You already have enough stress.
In your place, I wouldn't let your father come near that baby. Not once. Who knows what hurtful thing he might do? Be strong and courageous, Bella. You're a mother now; be a Grizzly Bear Mama and protect your cub.
I agree with what deermousie wrote. It really sounds like your father is uncontrollable. I would not let them into the hospital room, and if they ask why, tell them honestly.
And remember, you can hang up. (turn off your answering machine) If they call back, don't answer. They will eventually get tired of calling. Sooner or later, they will get the message. Also, I would write them a letter, email, or even meet them in a public place where they would be embarresed to start something. I would MAKE IT CLEAR that they wont be able to see the baby until they have seeked counsling. And after they do, mention that they will never see the baby alone. Then end the conversation/email and leave it at that.
It truly sounds like your father has bi-polar disorder (My mother was also a horror growing up because of it, it took her losing her job because of it to finally realize she needed help)
One more thing, your church shouldn't be making you pay for counseling. I am also seeing a counselor through my church and they are paying the bills. If anything, if it does cost money, try and talk to your pastor directly.
God bless you and your new family!
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RE: Pregnant and scared of how my father(& mother) will be - 3/12/2010 8:11:36 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2742
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bella05
All of what you said is wonderful. Thank you for the encouragement! I guess I did come a long way but still have some ways to go. Setting boundaries is difficult. I slipped up a couple of times but I'm trying to recognize their irrational behavior right away. I used to wait too long where the abuse just continued and continued, again because I thought it was normal and I knew they would get even more angry if I left or hung-up the phone. With prayer and encouragement from others, I know I'll get it right soon.
It took me a long time to figure it out, and eventually I got there. So will you, and you're way ahead of where I was. Take heart; you're on your way.  I'm so glad the encouragement is helpful.
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My husband and I talked the other night. We decided not to tell them when we're in labor and definitely no babysitting.
Good. When you're starting to dilate, turn off your phone. Tell hospital security you don't want them there. Plan on not meeting up with them during the last two weeks of your pregnancy. Tell them, "Sorry, no."
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What I am worried about is seeing my father, where he will be overemotional, wanting to touch my belly all the time, and maybe he'll say something that's out of line.
Here's some encouragement you might not have thought of before - your family has been around your parents most or all of their lives, and they know your parents are nuts. This is not news to them. It doesn't mean they think you are nuts, they just know your mom and dad are. They aren't going to be surprised. They might be encouraged to see you setting boundaries, or they might be as nutsy as your parents are and think your parents are alright. Either way, you aren't the nutsy ones and deep down your other family knows it.
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Out of line in the sense that he'll say something super mushy and awkward. Right now he's in his "intense adulation state" because he's going to be a grandfather. He'll probably get teary eyed, choked-up, and say things like..."I love you so much (with his voice cracking)" and the continued, "I'm so happy, bare with my sappiness". I don't want to bare with his sappiness! I'll see him right before and maybe after the shower. My husband will be there which is a relief. I'm 6 months pregnant and I want to be calm and not stressed.
Contact him ahead of the shower and tell him, "Don't touch me. I'm pregnant and don't like it. If you touch me, I will stay away from you until you can control yourself." Expect some flak about why he should be able to do whatever he wants but don't buy it.
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But for some reason, I feel guilty for the fact that I want to push my father's hand away from my stomach or move if he tries to give me a smothering bear hug.
That's the unhealthy way he raised you speaking; I know exactly what you mean. It means, he is dominant and you are totally under his thumb and have to give him whatever he demands. Nope, you're under new management now. Tell him what he can and cannot do, and give him time to blow over the temper tantrum that will probably result. Later you can threaten to call the police if he gets violent at the shower, and be prepared to do so. Warn the restaurant this could happen, if your father is the explosive type.
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I feel guilty, uncomfortable, and anxious.
Abused children often do. You've been emotionally blackmailed for years, and you'll have to figure out what is actually reasonable and do that inspite of strong emotions against it. You're making new grooves for your emotions to run in now, and it will come in time.
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Sometimes I have sayings and plans prepared just incase they say or do something that's not welcomed.
Smart!
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I'm all good to go and then I get nervous, put my head down and then I'm lost for words.
I used to panic. Write things down. If you can't find the words or the paper, then walk away; it still gives you control. Arrange a signal with your husband that you are lost, so that he will physically step between you and Mr. Emotions. Be sure you've told your father ahead of time what he can no longer do so he can do the initial blow up at home instead of in public.
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When my parents are decent and okay at times, I think to myself maybe I'm analyzing this too much or they're really not that bad.
That's the abuse speaking: this is normal life and everything is fine.
Blah! No, it's not, and in clear moments your brain tells you it's a lie. Shout down the lies with the truth: love doesn't mean one person can violate the other and the other can't do anything about it. Rather, love gives the other what they need at one's own expense.
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But at the same time, I'm always on guard when I'm with them. It's confusing. I guess I need to hear that it's okay to push my father's hand away from my pregnant belly.
Sure it's confusing; your parents said up was down and black is white. You're telling yourself the truth now and it's disorienting. Hang on to that truth because it will be true the rest of your life and your parents will probably never believe it. They are the ones saying up is down and you're no good etc. etc. No longer believe their lies.
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I think I'm scared of the outcome if I do that. He'll become angry and won't understand why he can't put his hand on my stomach. He'll be the grandfather, he has a right.
Unwelcome touching is either assault or battery; I forget which. He can't break the law because he swaggers and bullies. And he is breaking a moral law that says love gives, not takes. Yes, he probably will become angry, so phone him with the bad news that he is not to touch your belly or he won't see you for X months. Then make it so. He'll probably try to bulldoze you (it worked all your life until now) and you need to have your plan in hand. "Touch me and I'm out the door" (you choose the door).
Ha! In your place, I'd have the car parked pointing out towards the street for a quick get away! 
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Just like they told me before (word for word) that they have every right to get involved when my sister and I had an argument because they are parents. They said before that they're being "caring parents".
Repeat after me: "I am an adult and I take care of my own business. You are the parents of adults and your job is to let us be adults. I'll ask for your help if I need it, which is unlikely."
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With my mother, the only thing that I'm worried about is that when she's really happy or with a group of people she'll say something inappropriate. It's like she gets so excited and can't control herself.
Your family knows she is like this. Ignore her so the embarrassment she might and should feel isn't worse. It's not you being inappropriate and you don't have to feel embarrassed.
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Before when my husband and I were married for only 1 year and 1/2, my mother bombarded me about having children. This is why I'm scared on how she'll be with my baby. For example, infront of other people she loudly said, "When are you having a baby?, You can't wait too long, you're almost 30, Just have the baby already, I want to be a grandmother", etc. She was unloving about it and pushy. I finally called her up after awhile and told her to stop.
See, you already have got the hang of this! Brava! Now make it expensive: "Stop or it will be twice as long next time before you see me again."
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I need to have more respect for myself... maybe I feel guilty because they'll be the grandparents.
I pity them because they are already blowing it as grandparents; their loss and not your fault. You can't make up to them what they are throwing away; it's their actions and their consequences.
You've probably already figured out these aren't going to be the world's best grandparents. I'm sorry. My kid had only one (sane) set, too. Your kids will be okay.
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And grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandchildren and be involved.
You've been robbed. So was I. We live with it. But hey, our kids have loving parents who protect them from crazies. That's a very good thing!
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But I know it's not a "right" for them to do these things. I know my parents view it as a right no matter how they behave. I'll do what all of you said before. And I'm okay with them not being the main grandparents. If I try to implement boundaries though, they'll say I'm the crazy one and that I'm a cold-hearted person. They'll never understand how they hurt me in the past and even recently. I wish it were easy to just be strong and stand-up for myself. I don't want them to have a hold over me.
You got it, Good Mama! They'll throw insults at you and you'll know it's just because the grandparents are throwing temper tantrums like toddlers. Toddlers don't care who they hurt, and in fact want to hurt if it gets them something. Your parents look to have never developed beyond that stage.
Ever watch a Border Collie round up sheep? That's what you and your husband are going to do to keep the crazies from hurting your kid; you're going to shoulder them away or bite them to get them to do where they are supposed to go. Not bite literally, but control the controllers and make them move in directions you allow or you're leaving. You're the adult. Your husband is the adult. Give the grands the rules and leave if they don't go along with it. If they rage, leave. If they insult, leave. Make it expensive.
quote:
I will try to be as straight forward as possible when I see them next month. So as soon as my father says something that's uncomfortable or mushy, I'll say, "I feel stressed when you can't control your emotions". Right? And I'll say this as soon as he does or says something? No waiting?
Right; no waiting. You're taking control, and it means stepping right in and making your demands clear. Not only what you said, which is good, but the consequence if they won't. "I'm stressed out by your emotions; please calm yourself and don't touch me or I'll have to leave." And warn them ahead of time on the phone about this (let them rage at home after you hang up). They're going to push you to see if you mean it, so expect that and be ready. They'll stop pushing when you've put them in "time out" a few times, or maybe they never will stop pushing and you'll have to tightly control every meeting. Okay, now you know where the battle lines are drawn.
And hey, if you blow it, renew your commitment and be stronger next time. We don't get out of the abuse-coccoon in a day.
I'm sorry you have to put up with this while pregnant, but the sooner the better. God bless you guys; I'm sure you'll do fine with this. I'm sorry you have crazies making demands and potentially going nuts, but that's who they are and you'll survive.
And again, if either parent ever steps over a legal line do not hesitate to call in true authority, the police. Let your father try to tell the police his "rights" trump civil and criminal law. Never tolerate breaking of the law, your parents are not above it. Press charges, as it serves notice that they will have to keep the law or suffer the consequences. I hope it never comes to this, but be prepared if it does (you know if your father is likely to do this or not).
Welcome to the sane world of God's truth, Bella. It's a much easier place to live than the nightmare you parents try to keep you in. Truth just won out, and your kids will be the recipiants of your good choice. Hurray! Enjoy your new freedom and don't suffer trespass over the reasonable boundaries.  Just make it past the first temper tantrum (it's so easy to win - just leave) and it gets easier after that. God bless you!!!
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Pregnant and scared of how my father(& mother) will be - 3/13/2010 9:29:44 AM
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bella05
Posts: 42
Joined: 4/22/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
You've been emotionally blackmailed for years, and you'll have to figure out what is actually reasonable and do that inspite of strong emotions against it. You're making new grooves for your emotions to run in now, and it will come in time.
quote:
That's the abuse speaking: this is normal life and everything is fine.
Blah! No, it's not, and in clear moments your brain tells you it's a lie. Shout down the lies with the truth: love doesn't mean one person can violate the other and the other can't do anything about it. Rather, love gives the other what they need at one's own expense.
quote:
Sure it's confusing; your parents said up was down and black is white. You're telling yourself the truth now and it's disorienting. Hang on to that truth because it will be true the rest of your life and your parents will probably never believe it. They are the ones saying up is down and you're no good etc. etc. No longer believe their lies.
You are totally right, deermousie. I think you definitely have the gift of counseling. Two years ago I woke-up with new eyes and a new outlook on how I was raised and how my parents are. I can't believe I thought that this is normal behavior all my life? It's like starting over from scratch. I read about abuse online and it says everything that you said (and describes my father). I'm glad you were able to recognize abuse as well! I'm sure God has a lot in store for you.
Again, I'm going to write down everything everyone has said. I'll try to memorize it so I don't draw a blank when my father says something abusive.
Thank you all so much! Thank you for your prayers. And God Bless!
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RE: Pregnant and scared of how my father(& mother) will be - 3/13/2010 9:31:34 AM
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bolt.
Posts: 2320
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: online
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Here's a good one that's easy to remember, "Hey! Quit that!"
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Pregnant and scared of how my father(& mother) will be - 3/13/2010 9:33:53 AM
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bolt.
Posts: 2320
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: online
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When you memorize, be sure to rehearse the phrases out loud and at normal speaking volume.
If your husband would help you, you could have him act-out (mildly) the other role, so that you have to look at someone and speak, and so that you could continue to respond in spite of plausible 'come backs'.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Pregnant and scared of how my father(& mother) will be - 3/13/2010 11:03:34 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2742
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bella05
Two years ago I woke-up with new eyes and a new outlook on how I was raised and how my parents are. I can't believe I thought that this is normal behavior all my life? It's like starting over from scratch.
Thanks, Bella. It took 40 years and my mother nearly killing my kid several times to wake me up... I'll win no contests for being sharp. I'm so glad you're getting a handle on this much younger.
Yeah, it was "normal" for us because growing up, it was all we knew.
quote:
Again, I'm going to write down everything everyone has said. I'll try to memorize it so I don't draw a blank when my father says something abusive.
And even if you blank out, your father will give you further opportunities to practice them later. Hang in there; you're bucking strong current like a salmon going up stream. You'll get better and better over time. If it falls flat one time, then it might not the second time. Practice makes perfect.
I'm so glad your husband is on board with this. As he watches he'll see how right you are and how sick your family of origin (FOO) is. This all may be a challenge to him, too; I'm glad you guys are talking things over and are a team.
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Thank you all so much! Thank you for your prayers. And God Bless!
You're sure welcome, Sis.
Figure what your parents will probably say, write your responses, practice them with the new Daddy and start using them. Brace yourself for the roar of the wounded bear and cut him off at the pass every time you can. YOU are the parent now, and they are just grandparents (all the commands given about child care in the Bible are aimed at parents, not grandparents). Be strong and courageous, Grizzly Mama!
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Pregnant and scared of how my father(& mother) will be - 3/14/2010 4:52:25 AM
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manda59
Posts: 7381
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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I can remember feeling very sick, and with my heart thudding and shaking, the first time I said to my mum "I am not going to allow you to make me feel guilty over this", but I did it. And then I learned to follow it up, if necessary, with "You don't like what I've said? You have a choice here: you can let it go and we can just carry on and get along, or you can explode or sulk and try and make me suffer for it. I don't mind which you choose, it's up to you, but if you choose the latter, it will affect our relationship and we won't have a very pleasant time together."
bella, you CAN do this!
_____________________________
"What Manda said; well-stated and wise." deermousie, September 2010
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